A friend of mine recently gave me a book called The Good Enough Job by Simone Stolzoff. It has made reevaluate my relationship with work and I want to document the various things that it's made me realize.

1. Your work identity need not be your only identity

Our sense of self-worth comes from a range of different places: the places we go, the things we own, the people we know, the services we provide, and yes, the work we do. Through each of these, we build a sense of identity that contributes to defining us.

The energy and time we give to each of these identities help strengthen them. The more you donate or volunteer, the more you strengthen your philanthropic identity. The more you write, the more you strengthen your writer identity. The more time you spend with your kids, the more you strengthen your parental identity.

The corollary to this is that without energy given, we actually weaken those identities.

We spend at least 8 hours a day at work, so our work identity is typically pretty strong just due to the sheer amount of time we dedicate to it. This is normal—we need to work to sustain our lives. The problem is that work in today's world continuously threatens to encroach on all of our "extra" time. This time, which we would otherwise spend doing other activities and building bonds, is now used to further reinforce our already-strong work identity. As a result, it actively weakens those other senses of being that we thought were important to us.

2. We care about our work a lot more than it cares about us

With the recent wave of layoffs in the tech industry, it has never been clearer that in this capitalistic society, our value to a company is only as good as the work we continuously produce.

It makes logical sense—companies are incentivized to make a profit, and that profit is generally correlated to the work that employees produce.

If the reality were as cut and dry as that statement, it might be justifiable to sacrifice time outside of work hours. But the truth is often far more complicated. People who work hard and give their teams and companies everything are let go as collateral damage during layoffs.

Our job treats our professional output as the primary (and often the only) way to define us. But the other dimensions of our being are truly appreciated only by our family and friends. And yet, we find it easy to sacrifice far more of our time with them than with our job. The book includes this quote that resonated with me:

“Too many people bring the best of themselves to work, and bring the leftovers home.” - Esther Perel

3. Finding the "perfect" job is a myth

Growing up, the message of finding your dream job was deeply instilled in us. A job is not just a job but a calling, and to be satisfied with anything less is unacceptable.

This mentality causes us to constantly reevaluate our jobs and incentivizes us to change jobs as soon as the realities of day-to-day work don't match our expectations. It keeps us in a constant state of dissatisfaction because our jobs are supposed to be perfect, and any deviation from that leaves in a state of disappointment.

The book argues that all jobs have their ebbs and flows. If we tie such high expectations to work, we forever put ourselves in a state of dissatisfaction. On the other hand, if we don't attach such high expectations to our work and treat it as just one aspect of our lives—where other facets help regulate our happiness when work gets overwhelming—we can build a healthier and longer-lasting relationship with it (in addition to the other places where we choose to diversify our joy).

4. Diversifying your identity and happiness takes a lot of work

This crisis of our identity being so deeply tied to work takes significant effort to untangle and unlearn. It's extremely easy to use our evenings to catch up on work that couldn't be done during the day. It's also easy to get drawn into using our extra time to make progress on less important work that doesn't get prioritized during the day.

But as mentioned above, the time our work encroaches on these hours is akin to death by a thousand paper cuts. Before we know it, we're less present during those few times when we're trying to invest in our other identities. It's easy for years to pass by without doing an honest check-in with ourselves about our relationship with work.

I've been actively trying to do something else in my evenings to diversify my time and attention. Even if I could just review a PR or start on a doc I've been meaning to write, I now actively avoid it to advance in other areas of my life. And realistically, on days when I do need to do some work, I've been thinking of ways the work would be transferable beyond just work. For example: Could I write a blog post about it? Will this task help me start a new personal project I want to pursue? My litmus test is "Is this helping me put some extra coins in a different identity than just work?"

Conclusion

This book has been an excellent guide in helping me reconsider my relationship with work. It has forced me to be more intentional about how I spend my extra time during evenings or weekends, and to intentionally disconnect from work during those times. This has actually resulted in me being happier both at work and outside of work. Because all my expectations of being fulfilled aren't coming from just one place, but are distributed among the various parts of my life.